Steps towards Perspective

I sat on the steps pondering the years. The sunlight trickled through the leaves seemingly bleaching them of the greenness of summer. My granddaughter jumped down the steps with a sticky red fist.

“It’s a popsicle kind of day isn’t it?”

“Yes sirree grandpa. Best way to spend the summer.”

“I do remember those long summer days when the ice cream truck would come browsing down the road hunting for children. The popsicles only got better as the warm evenings grew older.”

“You are thinking of the past again, aren’t you?” the cherry-flavored face crinkled up at me.

“Perhaps I do that too often, but so many of my friends are there.”

“Are you thinking of grandma?”

“Yes, I remember the first time we met. She worked at the grocery store. I was there with a date buying ice cream, or maybe they were brownies. It wasn’t important.”

“You mean you went on dates with girls that weren’t grandma?” Her eyes were wide.

“Yes, I certainly did. It took time to grow up before I was ready to find grandma. That night I was with…Harriet…or maybe Mary.”

“Wait, how many girls were there?”

“Oh I don’t remember. We were all so young and spent a great deal of time together. I’m not sure which ones I can say I dated or not. “

“But didn’t you love them? How can you forget someone you went on a date with?”

“Oh, I don’t forget them, I just remember the details a little differently now. I remember I took one girl on a date to the lake. We sat on the old wooden dock and told stories about the stars as they winked out of the sunset.”

“That sounds like fun, but it wasn’t grandma?”

“Nope, I hadn’t found her yet. I was there with Maggie. She was a great girl, loved music and stories. She used to hum notes whenever she heard them and make up songs out of them. We would walk passed a staircase and someone would tap a metal railing and she would grab onto that note and begin to sing. It was quite the talent. “

“Did you love her?”

“I did, for my part. I wanted her to be happy, but we weren’t quite ready for each other. We stopped dating after a while and she fell in love with the organist. They got married and taught music together at home and in schools. I think they ended up in Ohio or Kentucky.”

“Does it make you sad that she married someone else?”

“Not at all. I’m glad she was happy. And I’m glad for the fun times we had together. I learned a great deal from her. I don’t regret those times at all. Now I can sit here on these steps and smile about those times. Each memory has taught me and made me a little bit more. I think each of my wrinkles has some memory connected to it, all the fruits of a wonderful life. You see, some relationships are mistakes, others are lessons, and some are blissful wondrous adventures whose blossoming seems never to end. Even though some work out better than others, you can learn from all of them.”

Ronny walked in from his date.  The clock was a little past the designated hour but I had found a wealth of stories in the paper that week and it was no trouble to sit there in my chair.

“Welcome back”, I said glancing over the top of my glasses.”

“Hey dad” He walked in a slumped down on a chair, sinking until his chin rested on his chest.

“How’d she like the dirt?” I asked

“Oh. She said she liked the TOMATOES. Said no one had ever given her something like that before.  We went on a long walk afterward. She’s moving to California. Her dad got a job there.”

I set down the paper. This was to be one of those nights; this year’s water crisis would have to solve itself.

“I offered to write, to call, email, whatever. We could work out a long distance thing.”

I waited for the rest of the story.

“She said it was better to just let it go. I was sure that she was it. I thought we could conquer everything together. I guess she didn’t think so. ”

“Don’t be too put out, you’re only 17, you have plenty of time to find a special someone. I dated dozens of girls before I found mom.”

“What? Oh. I guess I had never thought about that before. Of course you dated other people, I suppose mom did too. “

“Yeah we did. I even proposed to another girl. I’m glad she said no.”

“Man. But didn’t you ever feel like….like… that was it? There was nothing else to do?”

“Sure for a while. It was always hard. But you pick yourself up and move on. Before long your feelings calm down and you can see what you couldn’t before. That girl, Becky, she had an explosive personality. She would spontaneously come up with these wild ideas like swimming in fountains or midnight ice cream runs. I was swept along for the ride. But she was much too fast for me. I could never hope to keep up with all her running about. In the long run she would have worn me down. I’m glad she said no. I have no idea where I would be now if she had said yes.”

“How does mom feel about her?”

“Well, we don’t talk about it much. She knows but the past is the past. We leave it there. The important thing is that we are together now. We focus on that, not on what might have happened. And I am forever grateful that it happened this way.”

“Man, but what happened to Becky?”

“Oh, she joined a circus. Yeah, I know. She wanted to be an acrobat but ended up running some light show.  I’m not sure where she is now. So who knows, maybe she got out of a lifetime of being a sideshow attraction.”

Fall finally reared its head in force. The rain came pouring down and the temperature fell 10 or 15 degrees. I was suddenly very aware of the responsibilities I had before me. I spent a few extra hours on campus but somehow didn’t get much extra homework done. I walked from office to lab to class and back again. I felt hurried but directionless. On my way home late one night I took a detour to an overlook on the edge of my little universe. It had a small cover which protected me from the worst of the storm but nevertheless had soaked the hard metal bench.

I ignored the wet and sat staring out into the gloom which turned all the familiar sights below into scenes from some sappy movie. I could see the tree that I had first discovered my first year here, the one with a branch perfect fitted for napping. I had shown it to her; I suppose I’ll never go there again. There was the Jamba Juice where we went after volleyball games, cross both of those off the list.

“I have to get away from all these memories.” My mind raced to identify each drooping flower and each crooked brick. The spot we had that picnic before attending the symposium. The empty lot where the sunflowers grew that I picked to give to her. The grocer where they had the cheapest ice cream cones. “What have I done? I have cursed this place forever. I’ll have to leave, it’s the only way.” The water soaked my pants. I checked my watch. 11:30. We had talked only 7 hours ago. “How will I ever survive this? I can’t leave. I have classes to finish, a job, five or six clubs that I’ve volunteered to help out. But she will be there too.”

I had known for weeks that things were winding down. There was a shadow in my mind every time we walked down the well-tended sidewalks or read under the large oak. Away from her I panic and cursed myself for filling my soul with doubt. Each time we met I convinced myself it was nothing but irrational fear.  But I knew it had to end. Though I rebelled against the thought and scrambled to find just cause I knew I couldn’t get away from it.

So we said goodbye.

Not goodbye to each other just to us. I would still see her. We would still bump into each other between classes or find ourselves at the same club meetings. Perhaps we would have to work together on one project or another. I would have to learn to look past her and she would have to do the same.

“What have I done to her?” I couldn’t give her any sort of reason. As painful as my soul felt drenched in early winter rain I could only imagine what must have happened to her who held no responsibility for my failures.

The lights turned out and all was dark pouring rain.

I ran up the steps again.

“Is it time yet? Are they going to come out now?” I asked my mother as she dabbed tears from her strangely dark eyes.

“Not yet sweetie, but any moment now.”

I gazed up at the towering spires of white above me. My big brother was inside that castle. They spoke of white clothing and eternal love but all I knew was that I would have a new sister, my brother’s wife.  It took me a while to figure out. I like Jesse and was happy when she started to spend so much time at our house. Everyone seemed so much more relaxed when she was around. Plus we almost always had dessert when she was over for dinner.

A hopped down the steps and planted myself next to grandma who had selected a particularly clean stair to sit on.

“Why do people get married?”

“Because they love each other.” She replied dreamily gazing into the clouds. “They have decided that for the rest of forever they want to be together.”

“But I’m going to be with you forever right? And we aren’t married.”

“That’s because I married your grandfather. If I hadn’t then we wouldn’t be. Someone has to get married.”

“How do you know who you are going to marry?” I kicked off my shoes.

Grandma stooped down and picked up my shoes. She dusted and untied them to put them back on my feet. “It’s hard to say. It’s a little different for everyone. For me, I knew when I felt lonely every time he was away. When I would be reading a book and suddenly be thinking of him; when he started to appear in all my dreams. I was so glad when grandpa asked me to marry him.”

I squirmed a bit as she stuffed my feet back into the shoes.  “But why is Dave marrying Jesse and not Felicia?”

“Oh. Well she wasn’t the right one, so they broke up some time ago.”

“Oh. But I liked Felicia, she always smelled like chocolate.”

“But you like Jesse too right?”

“Well, yes.”

“So it’s a good thing she gets to stick around right?”

“Yeah.”

“So we get to be with Jesse. Felicia will be okay, remember Donavan? Felicia is engaged to be married to him now.”

“Oh. Does that mean I shouldn’t be friends with Felicia anymore?”

“No. You can still be friends. Just remember that Jesse is your sister and that is a wonderful thing. Look, the door is opening. They are coming out.”

I sprang from my step and raced up towards the fanciest people I had ever seen: Dave my big brother, and Jesse, my new sister.