I’m in a pretty emotionally flippant state right now. I keep swapping between examination of the various issues in my life right now. I should clarify that by issues I mean potential issues. They aren’t problems that I have, just problems I could have depending on what I do today. Oh, some problems are good. I also feel like I’ve been a little less honest in these posts then I use to. I got side tracked with national events and reposting homework assignments that I particularly liked. But I suppose the reason I read other people’s blogs is to find out about their lives, not to search for a new political/ideological discussion to further tax my faculties. So I’ll get back to talking about my own life.
We have 4 weeks left in school. The semester is leaving quickly. We have begun to talk about final projects. I still have no plans for the summer. That worries me a great deal. I want to plan a summer of adventure but I need to know the limits imposed by job/internship/school/whatever before I can. Secretly, I regret not taking the job at Steiner. Such an opportunity twice rejected will likely not come my way again. The greenhouse at work is getting very full. I love going down there to be surrounded by plants. I worry about what will happen to them when I leave. Who will plant them? I continue to chase my tail around the dating games. I keep trying to advance the token without playing by the rules. That only works if someone else is not playing by the rules too. Twice this week we were told by 70s that we are not dating enough. Both were in Q&A situations. I guess I need to take it more seriously. I’m doing well in school. I took a lighter load this semester intentionally. I wanted to have time to devote to other activities than academics while I am here. Academics is such a small part of my necessary education. I’m learning tons about writing as a Writing Fellow. It has forced me to encounter some weaknesses. I’m glad I can spent two more semesters in the program. I am inefficiently trying to maintain contact and friendship with many people. I need to wake up and realize how great my friends are sometimes. I feel lonely more often then is justified by my group and honorable friends.
In contrast with all that stuff that makes up who I am right now is a very dear friend I was able to visit with tonight as a result of a failed date attempt. I ended up with two extra tickets to show at BYU. With two tickets I couldn’t exactly take a date. So I called two friends and just made it a light night. I will not mention his name for the internet can be an unfriendly place. But he has been my friend for many years when I had few true friends. We were bound together by our respective social inadequacies and idealistic view of humanity. Through high school and college we bantered on government and politics and philosophy and human nature. We couldn’t deal with people so we talked about humanity in a more general sense.
With all our similarities we also have some significant differences. He has lived a much harder life than I have. Perhaps for no other reason then the situation into which he was born. He has had to work so much harder then I and has suffered through unimaginable challenges. We were able to talk after the show. He is currently working 80 hours a week to save money to travel to Russia in order to enroll in a school to learn Russian. He wants to learn Russian, his fourth language, so he can change the world for the better. His idealism has transferred into intense periods of work. Did I mention he is also taking care of his widowed mother as her only child? His commitment to his ideals and the improvement of humanity are an example to everyone. He loves humanity, that abstract term, enough to give them all his time and talent.
In this blog I refer to the ivory tower from which I watch the world. Through my childhood my tower was actually a walk in closet that I somehow took over. It became my space in a house full of people. I had an old, dirty, white chair there, along with a bookshelf and all kinds of treasures and that was where I examined the world. I would spent 2-3 hours every night, sometimes getting extra hours during the day, reading all sorts of literature as I tried to understand the world. Family and friends would come and knock on the door to visit with me. I had my isolation, a place I could hide from the world, but the bookshelf was my telescope which worked more effectively than any internet browser I’ve used. My friend has given his talents to the world. He is working as hard as he can against all kinds of odds to be what the world needs all of us to be. He has left his ivory tower and is seeking the halls of kings. I remain in my tower wondering if it isn’t really a closet. There really isn’t any nobility in hiding in towers. Nobility requires action.
I know I won’t stay in my tower forever, and I don’t really want to anyway. But I need to know where to go and what to do when I leave. I hope I don’t wait too long and sacrifice my nobility before even leaving the stairwell. My dear friend, that I could give as willingly of myself as do you.