Deep inside of Riley is the knight he sometimes reflects. All the charm and wit from a lifetime (albeit incomplete) of observation is hidden in those depths. But, to butcher the bard; he is not chivalrous who does not show his chivalry. I cannot seem to release it.
Let me diagram for you my brain. I am focused constantly on the next few moments and hours. I’ll walk in the lab and my brain will map out a number of possible time paths. If I sit at the computer I know I will check my email and deal with the next set of crises it reveals. If I eat lunch I know I will read the newspaper. If I pull out insects I know I will be committed for the next two hours.
Okay, so I’m predicting the probable future based on past experience. A leads to B leads to C. Pretty simple. But sometimes I run into new situations where I have no past data from which to extrapolate.
Today I was on campus for several hours (okay, around 10). As I was wrapping up I stopped by the office to pick up some papers. I found there my attractive female coworker. Sorting through the piles of paperwork and organizing them into stacks. I willingly helped out as it was a pleasant reprieve from hours of study. I had no plans for the evening, only to head home and take a break before jumping back into studying for a test for which I am woefully unprepared. Her plans consisted of going to the library for the remainder of the evening to do homework. We were both hungry. I mentioned a desire to go and eat and as I did so a number of pathways opened up. I realized that I could end up down any of them based on my current position and all it would take to launch a path was a few utterances of mine. I could wrap up the business and make some excuse about going home to study and leave her to her plan. I could walk with her to the library and engage in the homework for a while to show interest, leaving before my presence became detrimental to her work. Or I could encourage her to live life a bit on a Saturday night and we could spontaneously visit a taco stand. Simple, casual, interesting: A door to wondrous potential paths. Where to go? I could see myself saying the words and using the gestures and expressions required to produce each result.
But, as I always do when such opportunities present themselves (as they do more often than I deserve) I froze. Instead of grasping the situation I left it open. I didn’t choose any path hoping that one would be chosen for me. One was. Since I was not giving any hints of desiring to do the chivalrous charming thing, the path closed. We lingered and lingered a bit more waiting for someone to take the step into the unknown. Neither of us did. So we did the default. She went to the library and I went home although neither wanted to. (I am of course assuming to know what she was thinking). The alternate paths flickered out.
I walked home and processed the info and decided I would have been much happier had I done the chivalrous thing that my mind had offered. But instead I went home and failed miserably at studying while eating cheap, boring food and had more insignificant exchanges with the people around me. I watched other boys succeed at letting their charming spontaneity endear them to the hearts of those who I might have won over. Instead I let more doors close as last week’s crush was swept up with fulano and this week’s crush made headway with mengano.
How many times have I stood at the ridge of romantic victory, all the pieces set, the girl willing and wanting, where all that was required was a few words of permission or encouragement showing my mutual interest? The few times I’ve taken the leap have been wonderful and intriguing. Yet far more commonly I make it to that moment where we stand on the sidewalk about to part in the cloudy Saturday dusk and I can say no more than a universally disappointing pre-programmed farewell as I return to the solitude that welcomes me home.
Rise up oh man of God, have done with lesser things. You are more than you allow yourself to be. The people sense it, why don’t you show it?
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